Exploring the storm.

Have you ever watched a depression from up close?

I have.

I am.

For a couple of days now, the storm of confusion and tiredness has raged loudly through my body and mind, numbing me, destabilizing me, making me angry and irritated, tired and messed up, frantic and restless.

All the building blocks are there, the chemical impact is on, the whole fucking circus seems to be in town.

But…

It’s not all bad.

The thing that is clearly missing, is the full identification.

What is not there, is the usual absence of hope, the deep despair.

The utter lostness.

Those things ARE somehow present, but not fully, not completely convincing.

There’s depression going on for sure, but it’s me having one, not being one.

It’s not cool, to say the least, but it’s also not torturous.

I can handle it.

And there’s more.

I wrote about it earlier, how I feel that this has got to do with radical changes in my overall system (which I find rather exciting), but there’s something else going on.