It will find you.

If we are so powerful, how come we can’t even force ourselves to like something?

A couple of days ago this question came up when I was driving through London without the sense of REALLY enjoying it.

Ugh.

I know you know that one because we’ve talked about it before.

The situation where dread starts to drip in, instead of the expected feelings of gratitude and happiness.

‘LIKE this, for fuck’s sake! Like it now because you’ve fucking paid for it/endlessly looked forward to it, and NOW is the fucking time to enjoy it, so hurry, hurry the fuck up!’

And you’re sitting there, stunned, numbed out.

Hopelessly trying to find feelings of appreciation.

Trying hard to deliberately like something that doesn’t really care.

Time goes by, and now you’re seeing yourself back home again, on the old couch, looking at the rain outside while feeling deeply ashamed about your incapability to make sweet memories.

We all suffer from stuff like this.

Things we’ve never asked for, things that ambush us and jump us and mess us up and make things really hard, things we allow and adopt just the same and give us a sense of…