I’ve noticed something really sweet, awesome, and helpful.
In the last couple of days, I’ve been looking into feeling more and expressing myself more, and being more honest, and I’ve discovered a whole lot of stubborn bumps and half-closed doors and rusty gates while doing so.
Something inside of me is trying to pretend me from going there.
Something old, something obsolete but very powerful.
It’s like leaning forward on a set of stairs and deliberately trying to fall down: you will be stopped by something.
The system says ‘no’.
I seem to have that with emotions, especially strong ones.
Especially ones that are about love, or when I feel simply overwhelmed and lost for words, instead of my normal smart-ass.
I want to lean into it, I am there now in my life, but something doesn’t let me.
So I simply state my intention.
I tell the person who is with me what I actually want to do.
I talk about the emotion and the feeling I’d like to express, I introduce it, and somehow it feels like taking myself by the hand and going for it.
Sometimes it doesn’t ‘work’ and I keep swaying and simply don’t topple, but very often I get the same result as just sharing the emotion, by describing what I’d like to do.
And then I do it, that thing.
The old door opens, or the gate squeaks.
Or I did it, already, in an alternative way, because I mentioned it before really doing it.
Somehow it feels safe.
‘I want to help you but I don’t know how.’
‘I feel like crying now but the tears are hesitant.’
‘I don’t know what you need and I’m not sure if I can give it, but I’d like to try.’
‘I have nothing for you right now, and I wish it was different, and maybe it will be different because I really want that.’
‘I know I could be more available and present for you, and I’m trying, and if it doesn’t work right now please know that I did my best.’
‘I am deeply sad, but the sadness doesn’t want to show itself.’
It almost feels like teaching a hesitant, scared kid that everything is alright.
And I guess it is.
(Photo by @derekthomson, for Unsplash)